Why Do I Try So Hard to Please Everyone? How Brainspotting Therapy Can Help
Do you ever feel like you’re being pulled in every direction, trying to keep everyone happy at the expense of your well-being? Maybe you pride yourself on being the go-to person—the reliable one—but deep down, you feel overwhelmed, unseen, or even resentful.
How many times have you said yes to someone when you really wanted to say “NO” but didn’t because you were afraid to rock the boat or upset them? You have this constant pull between what your body is telling you and what your mind verbalizes, that you don’t even recognize the signals your body gives you anymore. It's like you feel numb and completely disconnected from your body, or maybe it's always felt this way.
For women, people-pleasing is often more than just a habit; it’s a survival mechanism deeply rooted in our past experiences, nervous system patterns, and emotional wounds. While it might feel impossible to stop, there’s hope. By understanding where these behaviors come from, how they manifest in your life, and how to heal, you can finally prioritize yourself without guilt.
In this post, we’ll explore:
The roots of people-pleasing. Hint: it’s trauma!
How the nervous system shapes people-pleasing patterns
Common ways people-pleasing affects daily life
How people-pleasing feels in the body and why boundaries are so hard
Practical steps to start setting boundaries
How Brainspotting therapy can help people-pleasers reclaim their lives
The Roots of People-Pleasing: Childhood and Trauma
People-pleasing doesn’t come out of nowhere—it often begins in childhood. As kids, our most basic need is to feel safe and loved. When that safety or love feels conditional or is not met, we learn to adapt.
Trauma’s Role in People-Pleasing
Trauma is more than just major life events—it includes the emotional wounds we carry from unmet needs or relational patterns. For many people-pleasers, these wounds come from childhood trauma, which occurs when our parent figures are unable to provide the consistent emotional support we need.
Examples of childhood experiences that can create people-pleasing tendencies include:
Emotionally unavailable parents: When parent figures are detached, distracted, or preoccupied, as a child, you may try to earn attention through your achievement or being the “easy child.”
Criticism or high expectations: Constantly being told you’re “not good enough” or being pushed to excel can lead to perfectionism and a deep desire to prove your worth.
Chaotic or unpredictable environments: Growing up in households with frequent conflict, instability, or addiction can make children hyper-aware of others’ emotions. People-pleasing becomes a way to minimize conflict or avoid danger.
These early experiences often teach children that their value comes from what they do for others, not who they are.
The Internalized Messages of Childhood
Over time, these experiences shape your inner beliefs:
“If I make others happy, I’ll be safe.”
“I can’t say no, or people will leave me.”
“My feelings don’t matter as much as theirs.”
These beliefs don’t fade when you become an adult. Instead, they manifest in behaviors that prioritize others’ needs, often at the expense of your well-being. You may notice difficulty speaking your wants and needs to others. For example, questions of where you want to eat or what movie you want to watch are followed by the classic pleaser response of “I don’t care, whatever you want to eat/watch.” While these responses were helpful as a child trying to survive in her environment, they are counterproductive in the present and keep you feeding the pleaser cycle. Not prioritizing your own needs leaves you dysregulated and feeling disconnected from your body.
How Trauma Shapes the Nervous System
The nervous system plays a central role in people-pleasing, often making your pleasing tendencies feel automatic and out of your control. To understand this, let’s break down how the nervous system responds to stress and relationships.
Your Nervous System: A Quick Overview
The autonomic nervous system has two branches—the sympathetic branch and the parasympathetic branch—-and within those two branches are three primary states:
Ventral vagal (safety and connection): This state allows you to feel calm, grounded, and connected to others.
Sympathetic (fight or flight): This state kicks in when you perceive danger, preparing you to respond with action or escape.
Dorsal vagal (shutdown): This state occurs when stress becomes overwhelming, causing you to shutdown or disconnect emotionally.
The Pleaser State: A Blend of Survival and Connection
People-pleasing often arises from a mix of sympathetic activation and a desire for ventral vagal connection. For example:
You might agree to a request at work to avoid the anxiety of disappointing someone (sympathetic).
You might offer to help a friend, not because you want to, but because maintaining the relationship feels essential for your emotional safety (ventral vagal).
This pleaser state can feel productive or even rewarding in the short term, but it often comes with long-term costs: exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of connection to your authentic self.
Trauma and Dysregulation
When trauma disrupts the nervous system’s ability to self-regulate, it can leave you stuck in survival mode. People-pleasing becomes a way to manage this dysregulation, calming the stress of potential conflict or rejection.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up in Your Daily Life
People-pleasing isn’t just about saying yes—it’s about how you show up in every role and relationship. Here are some common ways it manifests:
At Work
You take on extra tasks, even when you’re already overwhelmed.
You hesitate to speak up or share your ideas, worrying about stepping on toes.
You feel like you must overperform to earn respect or keep your position.
At Home
You take on most household or parenting responsibilities, even when drained.
You avoid asking for help, fearing you’ll seem weak or needy.
You prioritize your partner’s or kids’ needs over your own, leaving little time for self-care.
In Friendships and Family Relationships
You avoid conflict, agreeing with others even when you disagree.
You struggle to say no to invitations, favors, or expectations.
You feel responsible for keeping the peace, even at your own expense.
Over time, these patterns can lead to feelings of burnout, frustration, and even resentment.
What People-Pleasing Feels Like in the Body
Your body often signals when you’re stuck in a people-pleasing cycle. These sensations might include:
Tension in your shoulders, chest, or jaw when you feel pressured to agree.
A racing heart or shallow breathing when you anticipate disappointing someone.
Fatigue or burnout after taking on too much.
These physical cues are your body’s way of alerting you to stress or disconnection from your actual needs.
Why Boundaries Are So Hard for People-Pleasers
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, but for people-pleasers, they often feel impossible to set.
The Emotional Barriers to Boundaries
Fear of Rejection: You might worry that saying no will lead to conflict or abandonment.
Guilt: You may feel selfish for putting your needs first.
Unfamiliarity: If boundaries weren’t modeled for you as a child, they can feel unnatural or wrong.
The Cost of Poor Boundaries
Without boundaries, people-pleasers often experience:
Burnout from overextending themselves.
Resentment toward others for not recognizing their sacrifices.
They experience a loss of identity as their lives revolve around meeting others’ needs.
Quick Tips for Setting Boundaries
While setting boundaries takes practice, starting small can help build your confidence. Here are a few tips you can use to begin practicing boundaries:
Pause Before Saying Yes: Take a moment to consider whether a request aligns with your priorities.
Practice Saying No Gently: For example, “I’d love to help, but I’m at capacity right now.”
Start with Small Changes: Set boundaries in low-stakes situations, like declining an extra project or choosing a self-care activity over a favor.
Acknowledge Your Discomfort: Feeling guilty or anxious at first is normal—these feelings will fade over time.
Seek Support: Therapy can provide guidance and encouragement as you practice setting boundaries.
How Brainspotting Therapy Can Help People-Pleasers
If people-pleasing feels deeply ingrained, Brainspotting therapy can help you access and heal the root causes of these patterns.
What Is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting is a therapeutic technique that uses specific eye positions to access and process unresolved trauma stored in the brain and body. It’s especially effective for addressing emotional patterns like people-pleasing because it goes beyond talk therapy to work directly with the nervous system.
How Brainspotting Works
Identifying a Brainspot: A therapist helps you locate a point in your visual field that activates emotional or physical sensations tied to your people-pleasing patterns.
Focused Processing: You focus on this spot while exploring the emotions, memories, or sensations that arise.
Release and Integration: This process helps your brain and body release old patterns, creating space for more helpful responses.
Why Brainspotting Is Effective for People-Pleasers
Brainspotting offers unique benefits for people struggling with these patterns:
Addresses Root Causes: It helps you process the childhood experiences and trauma fueling people-pleasing.
Releases Emotional Pain: It allows you to let go of guilt, fear, and shame associated with setting boundaries.
Calms the Nervous System: Brainspotting helps you feel more grounded and confident by reducing stress and reactivity.
Builds Self-Compassion: You’ll better understand why you developed these patterns and learn to honor your own needs.
What Life Looks Like After Healing People-Pleasing
Imagine waking up each day feeling grounded, confident, and free to prioritize what truly matters to you. When you heal the root causes of people-pleasing, you can:
Set boundaries without guilt or fear.
Feel connected to your authentic self.
Rediscover joy and balance in your relationships.
Experience less stress, burnout, and resentment.
You don’t have to live in survival mode, always prioritizing others at your own expense. With the proper support, healing is possible.
Are You Ready to Start Prioritizing You?
If you’re tired of living for others and ready to reclaim your time, energy, and self-worth, I’m here to help. As a Brainspotting therapist in Sandpoint, CDA, and Post Falls, I’m here to guide you in your healing journey. Together, we’ll explore the patterns keeping you stuck and create a path toward freedom and empowerment.
Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation, and we can explore how Brainspotting therapy can guide you toward a life in which you can finally prioritize yourself without guilt.
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Jarae Swanstrom is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor practicing online throughout Idaho. She believes in a holistic approach to therapy, focusing on healing the whole body. Jarae helps women heal trauma, disordered eating, and negative body image. Learn more about Jarae or schedule a free consultation at mountainrivertherapy.com.
