How to Stop Being a Perfectionist: The Healing Power of EMDR Therapy
Have you ever wondered why everything in your life has to be “just perfect?” The house must be spotless, and no one can clean it exactly how you want it done. Any time you start a project, you spend hours trying to make it just right because you would not put your name to something that was any less than? Or how about those family photos you want to take? You do everything you can to have the perfect photo—the location, the clothes, the hair, and the smiling faces—only to be overwhelmed and frazzled that the whole experience felt like torture.
Perfectionism can feel like a constant weight we carry on our shoulders every single day. The weight to ensure everything is exactly how it is supposed to be, and we succeed in anything we do. But, wow, how exhausting is that? This pressure we put on ourselves to be “perfect” can be relentless and leave little room for peace and happiness. If you resonate with this in any way, I want you to know you are not alone. I, too, have been there, stuck in the perfectionistic trap, and I want you to know that there is hope. You can overcome this yearning to have everything “perfect” and find a sense of calm and balance in your life.
In this post, we'll explore what perfectionism looks like, how it impacts your life, and why it might have developed in the first place. Most importantly, we’ll look at how EMDR therapy can help you heal from perfectionism and how you can start taking small, meaningful steps today to break free.
What Perfectionism Feels Like
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do things well—it’s about setting impossible standards and feeling crushed when you don’t meet them. For many women, it can feel like running a marathon with no finish line. You keep pushing, thinking that if you can do more, be better, or achieve one more thing, you’ll feel satisfied. But the satisfaction never comes.
You might notice these patterns in your daily life:
Relentless self-doubt: Even after successfully completing a task, you might question whether it was good enough.
Fear of failure: You avoid challenges or new opportunities because the thought of failing feels unbearable.
Overcommitment: Saying “yes” to everything, even when stretched too thin, because you feel you have to prove your worth.
Difficulty relaxing: Rest feels like laziness, and you’re constantly thinking about what else needs to get done.
Comparison trap: You constantly measure yourself against others; no matter how much you achieve, it never feels like enough.
Does this sound familiar? Many women I work with feel like they’re juggling too much and still failing to keep everything under control. Perfectionism doesn’t stay confined to one area of life; it affects everything.
How Perfectionism Impacts Your Daily Life
Perfectionism doesn’t just make you feel exhausted—it actively interferes with your ability to enjoy your life. Here’s how it shows up in different areas:
At Home
You may be micromanaging your family, frustrated when things aren’t done “right.” Maybe you’ve redone the dishwasher after your partner loaded it or corrected your child’s homework, even when it wasn’t necessary. Over time, these habits can create tension with your loved ones and leave you feeling resentful, overwhelmed, and feeling like everything depends on you.
At Work
At work, perfectionism might lead to over-preparing for meetings, rewriting emails several times, or avoiding tasks that you fear you can’t do perfectly. It can also lead to burnout as you push yourself to meet unrealistic expectations. This perfectionism can hold you back from promotions or opportunities because you’re so focused on the small details that you miss the bigger picture.
In Self-Care
Perfectionism can make self-care feel impossible. You might avoid starting a new hobby or exercise routine because you’re afraid you won’t do it “right.” Or, you may feel guilty for taking time for yourself, worrying that you’re neglecting other responsibilities. Over time, this lack of self-care can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
Perfectionism steals your time, energy, and happiness. It keeps you in a cycle of striving and self-criticism, leaving little room for self-compassion.
Why Do We Become Perfectionists?
Perfectionism often starts as a coping mechanism for trauma. For many women, it begins in childhood as a way to feel safe or gain approval. Here are some common reasons why perfectionism develops:
Developmental Trauma
If you grew up in an environment where love or approval felt conditional—based on your achievements or behavior—you might have learned that being “perfect” was the only way to feel secure. For example, if a parent criticized your efforts or withheld affection when you made mistakes, you may have developed perfectionism to protect yourself from rejection.
Parent Modeling
Children often learn behaviors by observing their parents. If your parent figure was highly critical of themselves or others, you might have internalized the belief that nothing is ever good enough. For instance, if your mom is always worried about appearances or your dad works tirelessly to prove his worth, you might have internalized those patterns.
High Expectations
If you were praised for being the “good kid” or achieving a lot, you may have tied your self-worth to external accomplishments. While this might have motivated you in the short term, it also set the stage for perfectionism in adulthood.
What Perfectionism Looked Like as a Child
As a child, perfectionism might have looked like:
Striving to be the teacher’s favorite or always getting straight A’s.
Feeling responsible for keeping peace in the family, often taking on adult responsibilities.
Keeping your emotions bottled up because you didn’t want to appear weak or needy.
Cleaning your room or organizing your belongings obsessively to feel in control.
You hid your emotions or pretend everything was fine, even when it wasn’t.
These behaviors may have felt necessary then, but they also laid the foundation for the perfectionism you experience today.
What Perfectionism Looks Like as an Adult
As an adult, perfectionism might show up as:
Over-scheduling your day and feeling guilty if you don’t get everything done.
Overworking yourself at your job, staying late, or skipping breaks to get everything just right.
Avoiding new challenges because you fear failure.
Being your harshest critic and replaying mistakes in your mind long after they happen.
Feeling like you must do everything yourself because no one else can meet your standards.
How Perfectionism Steals Your Joy
Perfectionism tricks you into believing that it’s helping you succeed, but in reality, it holds you back.
It robs you of joy: You’re so focused on what’s wrong or what still needs to be done that you can’t appreciate what’s already good.
It keeps you stuck: Perfectionism often leads to procrastination because you fear not getting things “just right.”
It strains your relationships: Your critical eye might extend to those you love, creating tension with your partner or children.
It leads to burnout: You overextend yourself, trying to meet impossible standards, and eventually, you run out of energy.
How EMDR Therapy Can Help
If perfectionism feels like a cycle you can’t break, EMDR therapy can be an effective form of healing for you. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful tool for addressing the root causes of perfectionism, such as trauma or unresolved emotional wounds.
As an EMDR therapist, I will help you reprocess painful memories or beliefs that contribute to your perfectionist tendencies. For example, you might work through memories of feeling you had to “earn” love or being criticized for not being good enough. By addressing these experiences, EMDR therapy can help heal those past wounds, shifting you into a more calm and connected state.
If you live in the Sandpoint, CDA, or Post Falls area and want to learn more about how EMDR therapy can help you overcome perfectionism, please schedule a free consultation. I would be honored to help you start your healing journey.
5 Steps to Start Letting Go of Perfectionism
While EMDR therapy provides long-term healing, here are five steps you can take today to start finding relief:
Practice Awareness
Start noticing when perfectionism shows up. Keep a journal or use your phone to jot down moments when you feel overly critical of yourself. Awareness is the first step toward change.Use Self-Compassion
When you catch yourself being hard on yourself, pause and ask, “Would I talk to a friend this way?” Practice speaking to yourself with kindness.Set Realistic Goals
Instead of aiming for perfection, focus on “good enough.” 80% work is still great work and requires much less time and stress than “perfect” work. You can break tasks into smaller, more manageable steps and focus on celebrating your progress.Practice Mindfulness
Engage in activities that help you stay present, like deep breathing, meditation, or simply noticing your surroundings. Mindfulness can reduce the anxiety that fuels perfectionism. Challenge Perfectionist Thoughts
Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen if this isn’t perfect?” Often, you’ll realize the stakes aren’t as high as they seem. Practice letting go of minor details and focusing on what truly matters.
Breaking Free from Perfectionism with EMDR Therapy
Letting go of perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards—it’s about finding balance and reclaiming your joy. With proper support, you can learn to embrace your imperfections and live a more peaceful and fulfilling life.
If you’re ready to take the next step, EMDR therapy can help you heal the deeper wounds that drive perfectionism. As an EMDR therapist in CDA, Post Falls, and Sandpoint, I’m here to guide you in your healing journey and help you feel calm and connected once again!
Ready to get started? Contact me today for a free consultation, and we can explore how EMDR Therapy can help you overcome perfectionism and find peace.
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Jarae Swanstrom is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor practicing online throughout Idaho. She believes in a holistic approach to therapy, focusing on healing the whole body. Jarae helps women heal trauma, disordered eating, and negative body image. Learn more about Jarae or schedule a free consultation at mountainrivertherapy.com.
